- No comments

Epilogue: Dear Young Self

I hope this reaches you in time.

I have been where you are. I know you’d endure many years being alone. There’d even be a point when you’d think you’re not worth loving so you’d consider accepting that love just isn’t for you. Don’t despair. Just wait it out. It will come to you. By chance.

What comes next would be a state of joy and more importantly, peace. For the first time in your life, you’d feel complete. Everything would make sense. The reason you waited so long is because of this plot twist. Suddenly you have everything you needed. You’d have all you  prayed and wished for.

It’s extremely important for me to tell you now that as perfect your life may seem, one just can’t have it all.  You’d experience crippling anxiety. You’d battle insecurities and self doubt. There would be disappointments that would make you question yourself. This is when you have to be careful. I wasn’t. And I paid the price.

Let me tell you my mistakes so you’d learn from them. I thought If I keep my problems to myself, all the other aspects of my life would remain in perfect balance. I thought if I pretend they never existed, or If I hide my vulnerabilities, everything would be just fine.

That’s what I did. I did not want to appear weak. I compartmentalized. I didn’t want my personal issues to spill over the relationship, the one thing in my life that was going well (so I thought).

But it was harder than I thought. So I isolated myself from everyone. I found solace and comfort in being left alone and staying within what's comfortable.

But then I decided I've had enough of this self-destructive cycle. And since I've always viewed myself as a fixer, I thought I’d just fix what’s wrong and everything would come back to normal.

So I tried to “fix” myself. This meant working hard. This meant not getting distracted. This meant pouncing on every opportunity to feel alive again. It was hard, but in time, things began falling into place. I fixed it. At last, I told myself, everything is in check. I was satisfied.

But I was wrong.

I turned around and saw the havoc. In my efforts to rebuild parts of myself up, I wrecked something precious. And I wasn’t even aware while it was all happening. I thought I was close to putting my life back together. In my mad rush to fix things, I let one thing crumble. And when I heard its loud crash when it fell to the ground, it was already too late.

I hope you make better choices. Do not take things for granted. And when you’re given this chance at happiness, do not waste it. I know how it feels to want nothing but to be given another shot to do things right.

With this, I'm permanently shutting down this blog, ending its n-year run. But I hope you keep writing. And create better stories. (I also hope you get to read this before it self-destructs.)  (March 28: I changed my mind. The blog lives.)

Forgive me for all the things I did to us. I want to save you and people around you from this trouble. So listen to me and learn from my mistakes. You have been duly warned. Don’t mess it up.

Your future self.